Vulnerable

Tomorrow I am having a hysterectomy. You may have just read that sentence and thought “TMI”. You’re allowed to feel that way. And you’re allowed to stop reading. I hope you don’t, but I certainly won’t fault you. In turn, I hope you don’t fault me for stepping out and sharing this post courageously. It’s been a journey to get to this place; a single chapter in my story.

At the start of this year I declared my word for 2019 to be humility. The first three months of this year have molded and shaped that word to be something entirely different. Humility has become VULNERABILITY. And so today, I share a piece of my story with you, taken back by the vast difference between showing humility and being vulnerable.

Here’s the truth. I am writing these words because I have heard loud and clear God’s voice. He has called me to share my story. He has etched on my heart for some time now a calling that my written expression will be used as a gift to others. And so I write. Sometimes with the mighty strength of a lion. Other times with tears rolling down my cheeks, painfully resurfacing and stirring up emotions I have buried deeply.

For those of you who have encouraged my writing, thank you. I have loved knowing you have enjoyed reading and following along with the blog. Moreover, some of you have reached out and said that a particular post moved, inspired or touched you. Those testaments have impacted me greatly, affirming in me God’s promise and plan for my life. How magnificently He works!

Today, vulnerability has taken me to a new place. One of peace. And so I share with you that I am having a hysterectomy not to disclosure details of my private medical condition, but rather because it is a stop along the way and could be helpful to others going through similar or needing to overcome a challenging obstacle.

Seven or so years ago I was diagnosed with a condition called Cervical Carcinoma In Situ (CIS). This is an early stage cancer, in fact so early they call it stage 0. CIS is 100% treatable before becoming a full blown cancer. That said, complete treatment involves removing a woman’s cervix, uterus, and Fallopian tubes, something that is not possible for a woman hoping to naturally bear children. Knowing this, during the last few years while planning for and giving birth to Bishop and Bennett I have had several less invasive procedures and regular testing to ensure I could remain healthy, carry my children to term, and watch that my condition did not progress. Now, knowing that we are finished having children naturally, I am electing to take this next step eliminating all future risk of CIS becoming a progressive cancer.

The thought of this surgery crippled me with fear in completely irrational ways. In a “what if I don’t wake up” kind of way. In a “we have three kids I can’t leave them” kind of way. In a “what if they find something else while they are in there” kind of way. The voice in my head was a LOUD one. SO LOUD. PIERCINGLY LOUD. And so over the last few months since I’ve made the decision to take next steps I’ve spent a lot of time sitting quietly in prayer speaking to my Father, who reminds me continuously that He is my Helper, Healer, Protector, Defender, Provider. This has not always been easy. Sometimes my head voice filled our quiet space. Sometimes I shut out His goodness and wallowed. And I did. Over and over. But He is good and would not let that voice win. Together we have claimed victory over this fear and anxiety. HE SHOUTED LOUDER.

And so today, not only am I ready for surgery, I am sharing all this with you. You see, you may not think I struggle with anxiety. You may not know me as a nervous person. You may have never seen me in all the ways that I see myself. But that is only because I serve a great God. He alone turns my “worrier” into “warrior”. Soli Deo Gloria.

Vulnerability is my gift to you. Not just today but ongoing as I walk out the calling placed on me. Today, I am excited to share that I have begun work on my first book! Eeeeekkkkk! I don’t know yet if it will be written in two months, two years, or two decades but it will be written. I can’t deny the greater call placed on my life and, again, truly thank all of you for your loving encouragement. Praying blessings over all of you.

Love,

Nicki

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6 thoughts on “Vulnerable

  1. Your writing is beautiful. I cant wait to read your book. I didnt know of your condition. Thank God for your children and the fact you are still healthy. I had a hysterectomy a few years ago after finding out I was braca positive. It wasnt too bad. Wishing you the speediest recovery. Thank god for your children.

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    1. Thanks, Aunt Julie. And, yes, THANK GOD for my boys! After my diagnosis both were high risk pregnancies due to procedures I had and risk of not carrying full term but by the grace of God and awesome medical teams, I was able to carry them both to a full 40 weeks!

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